


Justice

by LoudSymphony



Category: Skylanders - Fandom
Genre: BUT IM GONNA FINISH THIS ANYWAY, Crack, Crack Relationships, I don't know how the world of Skylanders work, Maybe its not worth reading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-27 14:06:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19014427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoudSymphony/pseuds/LoudSymphony
Summary: A hero named Jahsteece will save the entire world of Skylands using his fist and willpower. Warning: I know nothing about Skylanders and this lack of knowledge can and will infuriate you as I try to write an awful stereotypical shonen anime in a game I have never played. Enjoy.First uploaded on July 2018. Continuation coming soon.More context: This story was originally made as a meme for a friend after deciding that I should make an OC in Skylanders. At the time, I thought "What could go wrong? Certainly a hundred chapters of fanfiction should have provided me with enough Skylanders lore to survive, right?"Thanks, Tabby. I'm going to curse you by finishing this story for good.





	1. Despacito

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tabbyluna](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tabbyluna/gifts).



My name is Jahsteece Barthlomew Newton Bacheinstein. I am the strongest skylander ever in the history of the universe. I am a wood elf and my parents has been grocery shopping for firewood for 10 years. I lived alone because I am a badass with a sad backstory. Now, I've grown to become the strongest, most OP Skylander in Skylands. This is my story.

There was a day I couldn't forget. Kaos was attacking the Core of Light for the umpteenth time, this time a lot simpler than most of his malicious plans enacted to destroy the Core. For some odd reason, he chose the easiest route of attacking while everyone else was busy instead of crafting some stupidly meticulous plan or something. He didn't send his biggest guns, though. The egotistical portal master with a phallus for a head wanted to do it himself. He was rambling about having the satisfaction of performing the historical feat himself or something. I didn't really care. All I wanted to do that day was listen to edgy music and pretend that I had no friends.

Kaos brought a close friend with him, probably to witness the destruction of the Core. He was green, had tall ears and a skinny build. He looks like a troll, but god he was a handsome devil. I didn't get that much chances to take a look at him at the moment since a bunch of Kaos' goons were preventing me from basking in his handsomeness. As I skillfully sliced through the goons using my scythe which is also a gun, I saw Kaos fly over my head with a hovering platform thingy and towards the Core of light. I knew jack shit about Skylands, but at the very least, my 20 iq noggin knew that the Core must not be destroyed. But, wherever Kaos is, that dashing green rogue is also with him. Admittedly, I abandoned my other Portal Master and Skylander friends not to stop Kaos, but my raging boner declared that I should follow that troll.

I launched myself using the recoil of my gun which is also a scythe, mind you, towards the direction of the Core. The bald midget didn't realize I was following his ass until I landed right behind him.

"Watashi ga kita!" I yelled as I embraced my 0.01% Japanese heritage. That phrase meant 'I am here!' in Japanese, but the tiny portal master was too dumb to know superior culture when he sees it (even though he made plans that I couldn't make, but lets just ignore that part because I want to stroke my own ego). Kaos was too much of a wuss to face me mano a mano so he sent the green troll to fight me. I readied my scythe which is also a gun and shifted into a fighting stance. I couldn't bear to lay a scratch on his cute face, but I have to risk injuring him in order to stop Kaos from screwing up Skylands again.

He took a step forward.

Nevermind.

My body suddenly crumbled. I felt a large weight pressuring my body. I clutched my throbbing heart as I struggled to stand. I looked up to see his idiotic, adorable marble eyes staring back into my soul, and at once my body melted again. I accidently let out an embarrasing, suggestive moan as I desperately tried to regain control over my raging hormones. Just him looking at me violates me at every corner, but for some reason, I enjoyed every bit of him.

"Why are you blushing?" the dashing green troll asked with a voice bestowed upon him by a god.

"I-I'm not blushing, baka!" I flustered in between tears. I was already ready to surrender myself to him and allow him to do unspeakable things to me. Why? Why am I so attracted to him? My heart felt like it was being tugged and pulled by a trailer truck. I couldn't fight him. I just couldn't...

"Good, good! I didn't know you had such strength! Now kill him!" Kaos ordered. His shrill voice stung my ears like cat claws scratching on a window. His voice awakened an inner primal rage within me. I stood up, embracing the fury of a panther. Then my eyes met the troll again.

Boom.

I was back on the floor again. My knees were weak. My arms were heavy. There was vomit on my sweater already. I probably shouldn't have ate mom's spaghetti earlier. This is it I guess. I accepted my fate.

"What are you doing? Get rid of him already!" I could feel his voice rustling my jimmies in every wrong way possible.

"I can't! He's like a poor whimpering puppy!" the green troll responded with a sympathetic voice.

"You're no use, Glumshanks!" Kaos yelled back at him in anger and pushed him aside. He fell on the floor helplessly. The moment the troll hit the ground, I could feel a massive surge of power. I don't know if it was out of my infatuation for Glumshanks or out of rage of hitting my husbando. Whatever it was, I fully intend to use this surge to beat Kaos.

I screamed loudly to increase my power like a generic shonen anime protagonist. Kaos stood in awe of my unintelligible screeching as I embraced some sort of magical unknown power that I pulled out of my ass. My hair turned yellow and my muscles atrophied, increasing in size into unrealistic levels. I stared down Kaos with a death glare that would have made any sensible villain shit their pants, but so far, none of my foes who witnessed my ultimate form was scared by it. All of them just laughed, and Kaos was no exception. He was just envious of my bulging power. I was too cool for him and for school.

With a Viking war cry, I charged at him, my body shooting towards him like a fierce fireball. I pulled my fist back, ready to manpunch the midget into the Nth dimension.

"This is the end for you, Friez- I mean Kaos!" I yelled as I attempted to reenact my favourite anime character, Goku. I was so cool, I bet all the Skylander women would have been all over me once the battle was done. I clenched my fist and readied my arm to strike. My bicep was curled. My tricep was relaxed. I used my momentum to further accelerate the driving force of my fist as force is equal to mass multiplied by acceleration. That was the only formula I remembered in school, and I'll be damned if I don't flex my miniscule knowledge on you, the reader. But just as I released all my hormonal rage into the living embodiment of a scrotum, Kaos did something unthinkable.

He dodged. And the force of my fist... went into the Core of light.

"Nani?" I gasped in utter shock. The villain wasn't supposed to dodge! They were supposed to stand, mouth agape as the hero does his special move!

"Not my fault you were moving in slow-motion. Well Glumshanks, our job is done! Now I can finally rule over the Skylands!" Kaos announced his victory and shattered my already fragile, insecure ego into dust. The tidal wave that was the realisation that I brought on the Skylands equivalent of an civilisation reconfiguration made me not feel so good.

I stopped dead in my tracks. All I could do was stare in shock at the incredible speed of Kaos (I refuse to admit that I was moving at 1 nanometers per month and that he casually walked out of the way). Kaos opened a portal, presumably back to his evil lair. Glumshanks followed suit. He hesitated a bit and turned to look at me, then hastily jumped into the portal before closing. I turned around to see the Core exploding dramatically in my face.

I woke up under a pile of rubble. I was miraculously unharmed as I was wearing clothes made out of a special alloy named Plotonium™, come get yours at your local Skymart today! The island I was standing on was absolutely fragmented. I saw skylanders and portal masters alike laying down on the ground, dirtied by dirt and dust. They were dead, definitely not asleep even though I could hear them breathing. This is my story, not theirs.

As I walked in the aftermath, the wasteland of my creation, Spyro suddenly grabbed my leg.

"Jahsteece, you have to kill Kaos. I believe in you. You are a Sky Landman." And then he went back to sleep. I shed a tear at his beautiful speech about how Skylands need a hero and that there will always be one to save the day. The Skylanders were gone, but I am still here. I will kill Kaos and get Glumshanks as my prize.

Because I am a Skylander.


	2. Despasequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of Chapter 1. I split Chapter 1 into the first part and this part as I thought that the second part wasnt ready yet. Toned down certain satirical stuff from the first part that I felt didn't match the original intention of why I wrote this in the first place. As always, enjoy.

Standing at the edge of the island, I saw the darkness swirling around an epicentre, similar to a hurricane. The eye of the storm was definitely hovering over Kaos' lair, as Kaos is the root of all evil. But I couldn't go there unprepared, even with my newfound power that came out of nowhere a few hours ago. I turned around and headed towards the ruins of the Core. Hopefully, I manage to get some sweet loot from my definitely dead and not sleeping friends.

I went ham on the looting spree, hoarding every single piece of magical clothing and weapons as if it was a Black Friday sale but free. Then, like an intellectual, brilliant, non-20-iq person, I sifted through the items to see which one were the strongest. My eyes had apparently evolved to be able to see the strength and uses of the magic attributes of each item. Thank plot for that. At last, I chose a robe with a hood so I can brood while killing dudes. I am now going to overdescribe this robe. It is black in color with a streak of yellow near the hole where the face it. It has some sort of ancient runes on it, probably an ancient Skylandic language that everyone threw away in an instant for the sake of the humans. I would have still preferred Japanese. The robe was conveniently the same size as mine, so I did not need to adjust or modify the robe. I carried with me a sword that some rando Portal Master was carrying because swords are cool. And to top it off, I took one of Flameslinger's arrows from his definitely not sleeping, very dead body because a divine voice in my head had told me that the arrow was a plot device that would be of great use once I confront Kaos.

I holstered the sword and the arrow into one of the quivers that I stole from a Portal Master. I took out my scythe which is also a gun- wait, did I say what its name was? Its name is Cracksent Blows and I named it after one of my childhood friends who was a drow and got kidnapped by one of the evil Portal Masters. I would go into it, but theres a Glumshanks I need to save so I'm going to drop that exposition. I launched myself with the recoil of my gun which is also a scythe in an attempt to fly. However, my gun shockingly has limitations hence I'm unable to go that far with just launching myself with a gun that is also a scythe. As my elven body started plummeting into the deep ass-cracks of below Skylands, I rapped my dense, thick skull as I tried to come up with an idea.

Oh wait. I could fly. I just did that like literally a few hours ago when I charged towards Kaos. I blasted myself forward and very soon, I was flying like a majestic angel. I looked down below myself. Dozens of islands have already spiralled into chaos. There was fire everywhere and there were people everywhere desperately trying to protect their island from marauders sent by Kaos to clean up the remaining islands. I shrugged midair and rocketed above them. I just want my Glumshanks.

Even with the flying ability, it still took me very long to reach the lair. Not to mention my impractical hood kept brushing against my face and blocking my eyes, causing me to barrel through multiple airships. They're all bad guys. Definitely no civilians. I checked for like one second before abandoning it.

At last, I landed in front of the evil lair. It was gigantic with four concrete towers with rocket boosters under it. The whole castle radiated an ominous purple aura that was spooky enough to shiver me timbers. But I couldn't stop now, especially since I had been flying for three hours now. I don't feel like making the return trip without at least doing something first. But damn, the place looks fitting for an evil clone of myself.

I snuck into the castle. By that, I mean I blasted a hole in the wall of the castle.

"Why didn't you blow it up?" I hear you readers whining. My future husbando is in there, you idiots!

The interior was way spookier than the outside. There was spikes and skulls everywhere. Kaos has definitely read the manual on how to build an evil lair, I'll give him that. I went around mass murdering as many minions as I could because I am a hero, and the hero needs to kill bad guys to get loot and money. And them sweet, sweet experience points...

I made up my way over the linearly designed level. Mini bosses after mini bosses were thrown at my face and because I am a protagonist, I destroyed them, mostly with low difficulty. Some were very difficult though, but I healed myself using some conveniently placed potions hidden throughout the lair. And I found more money too!

At last, I arrive at the throne room. The Hall of Kaos. The place with aaallll the evvviiillll. I kicked open the door and marched into the throne room. Kaos was there, sleeping on the throne. Glumshanks was there too, tidying up the room and sweeping the floor.

"Watashi ga kita!" I yelled in the most Japanese voice I could. Kaos was jolted out of his sleep.

"I am Jahsteece, and I will bring justice!" I improvised an epic one-liner on the spot.

"Wuh? Ahem- Foolish Sky Loser! You may have come this far, but those minions you fought is nothing compared to the great Emperor Kaos!" he boasted, still a little drowsy from being awoken from his nap.

"Why were you sleeping?" I asked, disappointed that Kaos isn't putting enough effort to be the Great Supervillain Antagonist in my story.

"Because you, weakling, took too long to fight through my minions! I took a nap because you were too slow! If you had that much trouble with my underlings, then you won't be able to match up against the Great Supervillain Kaos!"

"Say what you want, I'll still beat you and take Glumshanks as my husband!"

"Why am I involved?" the troll asked, dumbfounded. He clearly had the same amount of love for me as I loved him, he's just being a tsundere and hiding his feelings.

"Wait, so you aren't going to take revenge for destroying the Core?" Kaos reflected the same confusion that Glumshanks had.

"No. Glumshanks will be my groom, and you won't stop me from taking him!"

"So you're... gay?" Glumshanks voiced out, meekly. He did not like the idea of him being a prize, but that doesn't matter.

"Ever since I set my eyes on you."

"...How?"

"I dunno. The plot dictated that I'm supposed to be homosexual."

"The plot? What plot? Is this a part of your stupid plans?!" Kaos questioned me, both enraged and outright confused.

"I don't know about this. I didn't exactly consen-"

"Oh shut up, the readers would love it."

"Readers? Whats going on?"

"Fourth wall breaks. Apparently everyone does it."

"Fourth wall? Is there another Skylands behind that wall?"

I facepalmed, attempting to stop myself from physically cringing from Kaos' trying to figure what my intellectual self is saying.

"Enough of this trickery! I will use the power of the Darkness to make myself stronger than any of you Sky Losers can ever hope to imagine!" Kaos immediately pulled a lever on his throne, causing a large trapdoor to open behind him. The ominous, spoopy purple aura radiated from the door and redirected itself into Kaos. Glumshanks, utterly terrified from what is unfolding, ran towards me and took shelter behind his powerful guardian, who is yours truly. A shockwave blasted from the midget like a giant fart, nearly knocking myself off my feet. But I had to stay strong for Glumshanks.

"Behold, my final form! I am Utter Kaos!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the story is now hanging from a cliff. Cliffhangers are always the best. As always, leave a review if you enjoyed, even a satire fic can have faults.


	3. The Holy Despatrinity

I stared in awe of the size of that lad. The midget has now grown to the size of a 3 story building. Now I'm the midget. I am now going to overdescribe Kaos. Kaos is very short, slender, and bald. He has tan skin and red eyes. He wears a block robe, lots of black eye makeup, and has the blue symbol representing The Darkness on his head. (sauce: wiki/Kaos). The purple aura that was swirling around his lair is now converging into his body. The overflowing energy radiates around his body as his skin gradually turns into a mass of dry purple scales. His eyes eventually starts glowing a bright purple, as if his eyes were edited to have as many obnoxious lens flares as possible in Photoshop. Wait, what is Photoshop? Anyway, point is, he looks like a person who ate so many eggplants that he himself turned into an eggplant. With scales. And I hate eggplants.

"What are you doing, Glumshanks? Hiding behind that Sky Loser? Are you going to quit your job as the head servant of Emperor Kaos?" Kaos bellowed.

"Nonono, Lord Kaos. I'm just... taking a step back to marvel at your greatness, thats all! You're pretty big, you know..." Glumshanks nervously replied. He gently pushed me aside and stepped towards the giant midget. I couldn't let Glumshanks allow himself to be dominated by Kaos for all eternity. I am definitely smarter than him, and even though I am a stranger to him, I'm going to make his decisions for him. I smacked him aside, creating a crater in a concrete wall in the shape of Glumshanks.

"I will not allow you to enslave Glumshanks!"

"Who are you to decide what he wants?"

"His future wife!"

"I just met you 12 hours ago..."

"SHOOSH!" Both Kaos and I silenced him.

"What do you mean, wife? You're a man!"

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER?"

"Am I wrong?"

"NO!"

Enraged, I immediately turned Super Elf and charged at the giant manbaby with the fury of a thousand suns. I threw my right fist barrelling towards his ugly mug with the force of a thousand animes. He summoned a forcefield which deflected my blow. I used my now nonexistent momentum to send my left leg flying into the shield. It got deflected too, and I ended up faceplanting against the shield. He punted my ass into the ceiling with a lightning bolt. I put both my palms towards the giant midget's direction and proceeded to blast his shield, hoping to brute force my way through his stupidly strong forcefield.

"It's no use! You puny Sky Losers cannot begin to comprehend the great power I wield!" Kaos laughed at my attacks. Unwilling to let my ego and pride be demolished by a bald midge with a voice of a cat in heat, I charged straight into Kaos. I surprised Kaos by using a weapon I was saving for this very moment. I blasted the floor with an energy blast, triggering a miniature earthquake. Kaos was caught off guard and nearly fell. Somehow, the earthquake disabled his forcefield somehow. An ingenious move, which could have only been taught up by an intellectual. I took this opportunity to launch myself towards Kaos' disgusting face to unleash a barrage of fists on his face.

"Fist McFlurry!" I yelled in the shittiest weeaboo accent I could muster as I pummeled his face. I could feel my ancestors joining me as I let Kaos catch these fast hands.

"Enough!" Kaos interrupted my attack and punted my body with a lightning bolt, this time towards the entrance of the throne room. As I struggled to get up, I heard a whirring sound, followed by a loud noise that seemed to get closer. I looked up to see a giant purple energy orb barreling towards me. I held out my hands to stop the orb from destroying me.

"What power!" I muttered in utter despair as I struggled to hold back the orb. My body started to weaken as the orb slowly phased past my palms. I shed a tear, accepting the fact that I was unable to save nor impress Glumshanks. My arms gave way, and the orb consumed me in my entirety. I could feel my body being scorched as I felt my life force draining away. As my body began to vaporise, I felt time slow down and suddenly, it all faded to white.

I woke up in a blank world. Everything was white, with a slight orange shine on the floor. I was having a blasting headache, but other than that, I didn't feel that much pain. My injuries from my battles were gone, seemingly healed by a divine entity. I felt a hand on my shoulder, which scared the beans out of me. I turned around and there I saw Flameslinger. I will now proceed to paste an exposition dump on who Flameslinger is.

Flameslinger is an Elven archer with incredible aim. In fact, he is so good that he wears a blindfold just to prove it. When he was young, he rescued a fire spirit from a watery doom and was gifted an enchanted bow and magical fire boots that he now masterfully uses to defeat evil throughout Skylands. With the scorched earth he leaves behind, you can always tell where he has been. (Sauce: Skylanders wiki). Well, except for this plane of existence though, unless he had been standing still behind me the entire time.

"M'oncherie." he bowed as he tipped a nonexistent fedora.

"Where is this place?"

"The arrow that you took from me when I was asleep."

"We're in the arrow?"

"Yes."

"What am I doing here? Am I dead?"

"Nope. Alive as ever. But you're going to die soon."

"I'm pretty much screwed, aren't I?"

"Not yet. I have a friend who wants to help you."

Another hand tapped my shoulder. Out of instinct, my elbow flew towards the direction of that hand. It hit thin air. I turned around to see no one there.

"You're too slow!"

I turned around again to see a bipedal mammal with blue fur and red shoes. His fur formed spikes on his back, similar to giant caltrops. He has gigantic eyes with green pupils and short, cat-like ears.

"Who is this guy?"

"I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. Nice to meet you."

"You're a hedgehog?"

"Yes."

"Cool."

"I believe you have something to give him?" Flameslinger interjected. Sonic responds with a nod and proceeds to hold his hand out. As his palm opened, 7 gems materialized and hovered over his hand.

"This is power. These are the Chaos Emeralds. No, not Kaos. Chaos."

Well, that cleared up a question I was about to ask.

"So what am I supposed to do with this? Sell it for moneys?"

"No, you idiot. Use it to defeat Kaos."

"Oh, thanks. This is getting more and more convenient."

"Well if you'd excuse me, I gotta go run back to my universe. Dr. Eggman is doing some evil plan again."

"Like Kaos?"

"Probably."

He zoomed into the distance and he disappeared from my vision right as I blinked. The Chaos emeralds were still hovering over my head.

"So what do I do now?"

"Fight."

"Why do you sound like some sort of old teacher?"

"Because BarackPanther doesn't know how to write me."

"Who?"

"M'oncherie."

I was suddenly zapped by the gems. The pain of being scorched by that orb returned and my senses were quickly becoming overwhelmed. I was back to reality, but this time I was ready. With a massive power surge from the emeralds at my disposal, I was ready to face Kaos and destroy him once and for all. I used the power of the Chaos emeralds to push the boundaries of my body and go even further beyond. But first, I need to get rid of the orb before it disintegrates me.

I released an explosive blast from my body strong enough to shatter the orb of darkness. The orb fractured and broke into tiny pieces as if it was made of glass. I emerge from the shell, reborn as a badass. I walked in slow-motion as I admired my new form, granted by the power of the Chaos Emeralds. Now not only my hair is blonde, but my skin and clothes have a shiny, golden hue. What's left of my clothes, that is. My pants are intact but my robe was gone. It was utterly ripped to shreds as my muscles grew in size. I took a nice good look at myself. My biceps were about the size of my head. My bulging pecs had some sort of reflective sheen, probably due to my golden aura. I slowly caressed my abdomen to feel my abs. The massive bulging power from the Chaos Emeralds gave me tough-as-steel 8-packs. Damn, they were so hard, I could probably grind meat on those things. My skin was so crisp too. Luckily for my lower body, the new transformation didn't skip leg day either. My thighs and calves had large amounts of hard muscle. Its like I inserted some battery packs into them. Satisfied at my absolutely ripped bod, I flexed both my arms at Kaos and performed a manly JoJo pose to declare my muscular superiority.

"What massive power! How did you, a weakling, amass such power?! And what are those gems circling around you?!" Kaos gasped, utterly intimidated by my bulging muscles. I proceeded to laugh maniacally as I was high from such massive power.

"YOU MEAN THE CHAOS EMERALDS?" I yelled some sort of ancient elf war cry while charging myself with the energy of the emeralds. I am unstoppable now. I am a god.

I charged towards him with unfathomable speed. He attempted to block my advance with a forcefield, but it was futile. I broke through without breaking a sweat and delivered a fist to his face before he even realized that I shattered his forcefield. His body slammed into the ground and shook the entire lair. The sheer strength of my muscles overloaded the propulsion systems on the rockets. Its gonna fall soon.

"You may have beaten me, but you have a weakness!"

"And what is it, foolish mortal?"

"Glumshanks!"

Oh no. In my self absorbed mission to flex on Kaos, I had forgotten about my husbando. I turned to him. He was still stuck in the crater in the wall. Kaos zapped

Glumshanks and immediately he morphed into a monster.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?!" I yelled in utter anger and frustration. Kaos started shrinking as the purple aura around him slowly disappeared. He must have transferred the power of the Darkness to Glumshanks. Enraged, I punted the midget out of the lair through a wall with a swift kick of my foot. Right as I swung my foot, Glumshanks pounced on me. Though he did not grow significantly in size compared to Kaos, he was still fairly large. The Darkness has probably overriden his sanity and fuelled his most primal instincts. I kicked him off using both my feet. The lair was still falling. I cannot afford to fight him lest I fall below Skylands. But I cannot leave Glumshanks here, nor can I grab him without him attempting to rip my arm off..

I grabbed his face and forced him to the ground. Using my overpowering energy, I attempted to remove the Darkness' influence on him. I'm going to do some sort of thing that involves me sacrificing myself for someone else because thats what protagonists do, apparently.

I can't remember what I did next. There was a large explosion that decimated half the lair and the next thing I knew, I was falling. Out of energy, I lost consciousness. I woke up in the arms of a very buff Glumshanks, so I guess it worked.

"Arigatou, Glumshanks-kun."

"I don't speak Japanese."

"You have the Chaos Emeralds now..."

"Yes."

"What are you going to now? Return back to Kaos?"

"No. I am going to ascend heaven."

Then he threw me towards the Core of light. Or, whats left of it I guess.

I landed on the island. Apparently the epic fight I had has revived everyone. No, they were definitely not sleeping. Everyone was at work, repairing the Core of Light and stuff. Kaos was missing, but theres still work to be done before Skylands can return to its former glory. Worst part is that I didn't get Glumshanks. Glumshanks is now a trash tier husbando to me. Well, everything's fine now. I joined my fellow Skylanders and Portal Masters. They were wondering where I was. They were happy to have me back at least.

Time to get back to work now.


	4. Despaprequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New me chapter notes: I wonder why I thought Despacito puns were funny.

Back when I was a wee lad, I used to be a happy, spoiled only son. We lived alone as my elf mother and dad were both drows, hence we were ostracized by quite literally everyone. They did not turn to a life of crime and lived honest lives. They were supposed to be Skylanders and protagonists on account of being a drow, apparently. They got too old and decided watching Skyflix and making babies were much more fun. It was mundane, but I liked sticking to a routine.

But one day, everything changed when the Fire Nati- a thief attacked my home. It was night at the time and darkness blanketed every corner of the house. Not Darkness darkness. Regular darkness. Being the mischievious little elf that was destined for ultimate greatness, I stayed up beyond my bedtime when I was supposed to be asleep. As I embraced my inner madlad, I looked out the window and admired the dark calmness of the island. Something was beautiful about the island at night. It was silent and unmoving. Everything seemed so peaceful and still, it felt like time had stopped. I gazed upon the grass that surrounded my home when I saw a humanoid in a black suit and a paper mask. He was definitely too tall to be a regular elf. I could see that parts of his skin were slightly tan. The parts that wasn't covered by the suit nor the mask, around the neck area. It had a face of a black man grinning. Using the knowledge I have now, his facemask resembled a human named Barack Obama. Back then, I was unaware of the existence of Portal Masters, hence I thought he was an alien. I saw him step closer and closer towards the house on tiptoes. Time to be a hero.

I sneaked out of my bedroom. My navy blue pyjamas allowed me to blend with the darkness. I slid down the railings of the staircase and performed a parkour roll like a boss. As I regained my footing, I heard the clicking of the doorknob. I immediately hid behind an adjacent wall as I observed him silently closing the door. Unfortunately for him, the entire house was 200 years old and the door hinge was about as creaky as hell. Startled by the creaking sound, he stopped in his tracks, preparing to bail if he heard the footsteps of my parents. No sound. He heaved a sigh of relief as he thought no one was around. He was unaware that I, Jahsteece was watching him. Soon, I will deliver justice. I just need to wait for the perfect moment to strike. He snuck towards the kitchen. I trailed him, careful not to step on any floorboard that could give my position away. I saw him opening the fridge door as I turned a corner. Ice cold vapour rushed out of the fridge. I was curious to what the alien was doing with my fridge. Then he took my chocolate. My blood was boiling right there and then and part of me wanted to pounce on him and rip him to shreds. I maintained my composure as I still wanted that 'perfect moment'. Then, he proceeded to slam the chocolate into his facemask.

"Oh wait, I forgot to remove my mask. Damn, why do I keep forgetting?" the alien said nonchalantly in a thick accent. Though he stuttered in his speech and spoke as fast as a speeding dragon, I could make out what he said. I wish I didn't hear what he said though, because it made me even angrier. With the energy of my hatred and anger in my tiny muscles, I lunged on him. I landed on his neck and proceeded to rip his facemask. He struggled for a bit before managing to grab my torso and threw me towards a wall.

"Jesus, where did you come from?"

"I'm not Jesus! I'm Jahsteece!" I immediately lunged at him again.

"I'll make you meet Jesus!" He immediately kicked me right in the abdomen, nearly forcing my dinner out of my body. With me out of commission, he rushed out the door faster than Flameslinger could respect 20 women. Though my parents were fairly angry and scolded me for attempting to attack a thief on my own, they were a bit proud of me for defending their stuff and not letting it be stolen by that alien.

"Son, you can be a Sky Landman. But first, go to school and don't do drugs," is what he said to me as he carried me to my bedroom. I won't overdescribe him because he is no longer important to the plot. He medicated my belly with some ointment before covering me with a blanket.

Though, whatever the shoe he kicked me with must have been cursed. In a span of a few months, my parents disappeared after going grocery shopping. I stayed home for a few months, running down the supplies at home. I was in denial for a while, but after a while I partly accepted that my parents were no longer with me. Knowing that they won't come back, I left home to go look for a way of living outside my tiny island. As I set out on a nomad's way of life, I made up an imaginary friend named Jooj Ment who quickly died of constipated diarrhea. Rip in peace, friend. Throughout my teen years, I was the edgiest elf in town. I wore all black and used both a blindfold and a facemask so for a while, I couldn't see. But if it meant everyone could see that I'm the next generic edgy protagonist, then it was worth it. But just being edgy won't make me a Skylander. I needed to train. With my overflowin N, I set out to improve myself.

In my journey, I met many warriors and people who shaped me into the best of the best. They also slapped the edginess out of me, because apparently thats how you become a villain. I studied under many masters in the span of 7 years while I was still smol because Plot allows me to. My first master was Samurai Jack. He taught me the way of the Samurai. I learnt how to ride horses and use katanas, but I preferred my scythe which is also a gun which I handcrafted myself. His teachings also kindled my passion for anime because he is Japanese. I continued on my journey because he needs to get back. Back to the past. Samurai Jack.

I trained under Goku. He trained me to my limits until I achieved my own form of a Super Saiyan because I am an OC and I can do what I want. Then I learnt how to blast things. It was fun. I continued my journey again until I finally met All Might. I learnt about what it takes to be a hero.

"A hero is a person who meddles when he doesn't need to," is an advice I will keep to heart when I want to be a busybody and catch up on juicy drama. Then I left unexpectedly because I needed to time to figure something out. I'd been fighting all my life; my element must have showed itself by now. But it never appeared. Not in my lowest moments where I desperately needed a powerup to save my skin. I fell into a period of internal crisis. If I had no element, what am I? Every skylander- no, everyone had an element that they were associated with.

I returned to my edgy ways with my clothes being as black as possible. Unable to accept the truth, I gave myself instant crippling depression and cried myself to sleep every night. I religiously spent my days listening to edgy music and neglecting my training. Over time, I let my emotions control me. I became a slave to my emotions. I was on a downward spiral into misery and disaster.

Then suddenly, a bunch of cyclops attacked an orphanage. I defeated them easy peasy, but I still felt empty inside. Even those low-lives had elements. What am I without an element? Then a kid walked up to me because she saw me brooding.

"Are you sad?"

"Yes."

"When you sad, think of happy day. Then you will happy."

I was moved to tears from the little elf kid's words. I didn't need to care about my element. I've done so many good things without the need of an element. I shouldn't let it define me now.

With the great mental obstacle out of the way, I was ready to become a Skylander. And that is how I became the great elf I am today. Enough of flashbacks, I need to go grocery shopping now.


	5. Prologue to Disaster- I mean Despasequel 2, okay come on whats with these titles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new thing that I forgot to address: Back in my wee fanfiction.net days, my nickname was BarackPanther. So as you can guess, my self-insert here is God, but he has a vibranium Wakandan suit with a face of Barack Obama on top.

It was a dark, stormy night. The island which held my family home nearly rocked with the thunder. I am just writing extra filler because I do not know how weather affects floating islands because I never had a proper education- I MEAN, I never bothered with those boring stuff when I had better things that could use my glorious 20iq intellect. So what was I doing at my family home alone in the middle of a dark, stormy night? Playing vidya games and browsing Tumblin' and a little bit of Readit.

I browsed through the latest memes, motivational posts and prayer requests. To tell the truth, I still can't get over my overwhelming attraction towards Glumshanks-kun. Hoping to meet him again is nothing short of deluding myself though. He has ascended heaven. To bring him down to the likes of us mortals is an insult to his divinity. I'm kinda over it now though, thanks to me binging multiple animes at once. So, here I was, being a degenerate on my off-day, because I got tired from wrecking troll scrubs and carrying the entire Skylander Trap Team and Superchargers on my back. Guess what happens? God decided to give me a quest. Or apparently, "The Writer of this Shitty Fanfic" as he calls himself. He wrote me, so technically he's God.

God came descending down the ceiling of my house. By descending, I mean falling through my roof at terminal velocity and nearly interrupting my 720 Call of Duty Noscope Montage #4503. My tablet which I was browsing Tumblin' on got flattened by his fat bod.

"Thank God I made my avatar as Obama in a vibranium suit," God said, scruffing his black suit.

"Wait, you were the one that ate my chocolate back when I was ten!"

"Sorry, was hungry and my fridge was empty. Besides, it was part of your character development."

"I'm now an atheist."

"I gave Glumshanks muscles."

"I am no longer an atheist."

Now having stood up, he searched his body suit for something to give to me.

"God damn it, this suit doesn't have any pockets." he mumbled as he fumbled.

"Can't you like, write it into existence or something?"

"Actually, yeah."

A scroll manifested in his hand. He presented the scroll to me and bellowed in a horribly acted out deep voice, "BEHOLD! THE SCROLL OF JUSTICE!"

"Its a map. And you made it out of foolscap paper. It even has your school on it. It says-"

"STOP! YOU WILL REVEAL MY IDENTITY!"

"Technically, you are. I am a character written in a satire fic to convey your frustrations with reading fanfiction. This entire fic started as a joke and now you're using this fanfic to horribly exaggerate the flaws of fanfiction that you see in other people's works to make up for your insecurity while also completely disrespecting the source material. You are writing me. Therefore you are me. You've shoved canon characters and skewered them to fit your 'satire' and put them undee the guise of comedy so that you can barely pass this as fanfiction."

"I gave you 20iq, not 200iq."

"We live in a society. Bottom text."

"Thats more like it. How did I even write Jahsteece out of character, so much things to do, yak yak yak," God trailed off as I examined the map. Apparently there's a castle on an island that never existed but now with the power of Plot, has been brought into existence. It holds a new antagonist in store for me in the next few chapters.

"Oh yeah, sorry about your parents."

"You literally killed my parents."

"It was for character development, Batman. You got a new adventure waiting for you and a new character arc. Go have fun or something, I have examinations to do."

"'Kay."

And with that, God snapped himself out of

existence. Guess he didn't feel so good after that self-criticism that he forced into my speech. Welp, screw him. It's time to conquer the castle- wait, where the hell are you going! Don't cut me off like this, this is my story-

-/TRANSMISSION CUT/-

A hooded elf sits on a very edgy throne made of swords and guns. The throne room is dimly lit and the hood shrouds his face in darkness. How mysterious. He fidgeted around trying to get comfortable on the throne. A blue bipedal cat in white karate gi rushed into the throne room.

"My liege, I believe Jahsteece has received the message."

"Very well. Prepare the castle. We are going to have a feast."

"Yes, my liege."

"One more thing, Tai Chi."

"Yes, your majesty?"

"Get me a different throne. I can feel like ten different knives poking my bum."

"Very well, my liege."

The blue cat scampered off out of the throne room. The hooded elf begins a monologue.

"So, Jahsteece, its time you know the truth."

-/TRANSMISSION CUT/-


	6. Despasequel the Trilogy

It has been 7 years since I received the map from God. Wait, maybe not 7 years. 7 months? Weeks? I don't remember anymore. While you guys were gone doing God knows what, I packed up my bags. For the life of me, I couldn't find my scythe and the sword I stole from that one person who is somehow alive and well. Now I have fines to pay and hours of community service to do. Screw that noise, I'm going on a field trip!

I jumped from my private island and flew to this island that appeared out of nowhere. At the very least I can fly by jumping really, really far. God got bored writing this part, so he told me, "I shall allow you to teleport all the away to the island because I do not know how to write this part."

And thus, he opened a portal in front of me, causing me to slam into the ground at Mach 5.

"Sorry, I miscalculated that." A voice resonated throughout the island.

"I HOPE YOU FAIL MATHS!" I yelled back into the sky. A sound of a man sniffling can be heard, followed by sudden downpour. Not wanting to have my perfectly delicate and beautiful (read: battle-scarred and rough) skin be tarnished by the salty tears of an over-sensitive teen, I ran towards a giant castle in front of me that I forgot to describe because I was too busy falling from the sky. The pathway to the castle did not have any shelter. Fortunately, the area surrounding the castle are trees, trees, bushes and more trees. I decided to run into the woods, hopefully finding a big enough tree to hide under. I tripped on a branch, knocked my head on a tree and died for a few hours.

"Wake up."

"Whuh-"

"WAKE UP, YOU IMBECILE!"

A bucket of ice-cold water slammed onto my face. No, it wasn't poured. An entire bucket. Thrown onto my face.

"Who goes there?" I said, startled

"You idiot, no one goes 'there'! You don't run into the forest in the middle of the rain!"

I glared at the direction of the voice. It definitely wasn't God's voice, this one obviously isn't a pansy. A humanoid feline with blue fur and karate gi stares back at me.

"You look like the Chinese knockoff of Freeze Blade."

"Ha ha. Very funny. Come I clap for you."

He clapped for me. Using his right foot and my face.

"Enough shenanigans, I was told to bring you to the castle."

"By who?" Is it that one idiot in a panther suit and a face tempting you to punch it?"

"Yes."

"Thats God."

"I'm sending you to a mental hospital once I'm done touring you around my lord's castle."

"Your lord?"

"Yes. I can't believe he looks exactly like you."

"Nice. Where is this anyway?"

"A cabin that my lord used to live in."

"Used to? This island appeared like uh... When was I given this map again?"

"Don't fret the details. None of this make sense."

"What doesn't?"

"The fact that theres a doppelganger of my lord and he's about as dumb as a bag of sledgehammers."

"I take offense to that."

"Cool."

He casually walked towards the door. I attempted to get back at him for insulting me and clapping me with his foot, however for comedic reasons, I tripped and faceplanted on the floor. I looked up to see the cat stare funnily at me and proceeded to walk out the door.

"Come. The lord doesn't like to be kept waiting."

He lead me out of the cabin and into the woods.

"Watch your step. I don't want you knocking your head on another tree."

I tripped and knocked my head on another tree. I could hear the sound of him facepalming, yet he refused to help me get up. How ungentlemanly of him. It took roughly 17 trips before we made it back onto the main road. By then, I was having a killer migraine and probably multiple skull fractures. I had it bandaged, but the fact that it has been bleeding profusely for the past hour probably isn't a good sign.

At last, we arrive at the castle. The road trip was pretty uneventful, except for me tripping 3 more times and the blue cat groaning about me being too stupid to walk properly. An elf was waiting for us at the front gates. For a castle, there doesn't seem to be anyone with royal clothing. The elf in particular was wearing leather rags, something you would expect of a commoner.

"So is this the guest your 'lord' invited?"

"I can feel your sarcasm through your quotation marks. But yes, this is the guest."

"He looks exactly like your 'lord'."

"Yes. Yes he does. And stop using those quotation marks."

"Sorry. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, Jus-"

"Do not say the lord's name in vain! Especially in front of a buffoon like this!"

"Jeez, its like you worship him as your god or something."

"YES I DO!"

He stomped off into the castle, huffing and puffing like a grumpy wolf. But he's a cat. What sound would a cat make if he is pissed?

"Now that the pain in my neck is gone-"

"Pain in OUR neck, you mean."

"Okay communist, but I'm pretty sure you have a bigger pain right above your neck there."

"Ouch."

"Anyway, Justice is asleep right now and doesn't want to be disturbed, so I'll send you to the guest quarters for now and get someone to look at your forehead." she said while gesturing for me to come follow her.

"Thanks. What was that grumpy cat's name again? I don't think he told me."

"Yeah he does that. He says he will only tell his name to those who are worthy of hearing it or something. His name is Tai Chi, and my name is Kim Chi-"

"THAT BETTER BE A PERSON WORTHY OF HEARING MY NAME!" a yell could be heard throughout the compound. She let out a long sigh before continuing, "aaand we live here."

"Wait, so you're siblings? "

"Yes. We're adopted. I'd rather stay in the orphanage if I had to be stuck with Tai Chi though."

"THAT BETTER BE- AUGH!"

"I think he fell down the stairs. Again."

"He was giving me grief earlier for tripping and falling." I carefully omitted the fact that I tripped over: a fallen tree branch, my foot, my other foot, a squirrel, a fallen tree, Tai Chi's foot and another tree branch (that wasn't on the ground, mind you. It was on a tree).

"He trips a lot himself. Seriously, he'd trip over anything. Whats your name by the way?"

"Jahsteece?"

"Justice?"

"No. Jahst- Teece."

"Okay then, probably a foreign tongue.

"Probably. Anyways, I want to get some rest. Where is the guest quarters?"

"Right behind this door. Go get some rest, I'll wake you up when Justice wakes up."

"Aye, seeya."

She closed the door behind her. I took a look around the room. Its small and cosy, with mostly a bed, a cabinet and a desk. This 'Justice' guy sure does know how to treat his guests. I turned around and sat on the comfy bed... only to see God slav squatting in front of the door with his shit-eating grin staring right back at me.

"JESUS CHRIST!"

"You mean: BarackPanther?"

I immediately flung my shoe at him. It nearly hit the mark. By that, I mean it went the opposite direction and hit a lamp behind me.

"Nice miss."

"Shut up. What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

"Watching. I'm bored, okay? Garry's Mod is getting boring and all my friends have school. The rest are all doing their own stuff."

"So you're lonely because that girl won't be talking to you anymor-"

The shoe magically flew at the back of my head, nearly cracking my skull open like an egg.

"Next time you say that, I'm deleting Glumshanks from this fanfic."

"Please don't."

"Good. Anyway, I'm here to watch, and it won't do you any good if you're already at 1hp. Did you somehow roll a natural 1 every time you take a step?"

"Not my fault there were tree branches everywhere."

"You tripped on a tree branch. ON A TREE."

"Shush. Just heal me already."

"Done."

"Wait what? I don't feel anything."

"That means it worked you chucklenut. Your headache is gone."

"Theres still one right in front of me."

"Ow."

"Anything else you want to say?"

"Eh nothing else really."

"Get out of my room."

"Okay." A tear ran down his eye as he faded into dust, again. Now that he's out of the way, I can finally res-

"WAS IT YOU THAT HEARD MY NAME?" Tai Chi stomped into the room. God damn it.

"Oh what is it now?"

"DID YOU HEAR MY NAME?"

"No, Mr. Blue's Clues."

"GOOD." He slowly walked out of the room with his eyes fixated on me the entire time. As he closed the door, slowly, like 1 degree per hour slowly, he made sure that I could see his eyes stare back at me as he closed the door. As the door finally closed. I lied down on my bed to rest.

Oh god. Today is going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am disappointed at myself for allowing my stories to have this much dialogue. My writing always has overdescriptions, damn it! Old me, this is why no one liked you! >:(


End file.
